in partnership
This recap, Deanie Baby, is in honor of your stupidity. (ABC/ Bob D'Amico) 

Bachelor in Paradise: Darn it, Dean!

I want to go on record and say that if we were allowed to swear in headlines, that would NOT be a "darn it". But, you know - company policy or whatever.

Regardless, I come away from this week's BIP episodes feeling like Dean fully deserves all the curse words for his antics. Let's review the love triangle he's been in for almost this entire season:

  • Kristina: Dean and Kristina hit it off right away, apparently road-tripped together during the break, hung out nonstop, and came back to Paradise essentially a couple. Dean has admitted that he thinks Kristina is "intelligent, beautiful, intuitive and amazing", among many other rave reviews.
  • Danielle: Dean and Danielle went on a date when Danielle (D-Lo), first arrived in Paradise - in spite of everything with Kristina still going on. Dean has said about D-Lo: "She's really hot".

So, after weighing the above in his Pros and Cons columns, you'll NEVER GUESS who Dean decides to pursue a relationship with, and who he essentially sends home. This recap, Deanie Baby, is in honor of your stupidity.

The Absolute Best Moments of This Week's Shows

  • Kristina telling Dean flatly to his face that he’s being disrespectful. Slow clap.
  • “He kinda tickled my stomach while he kissed me” – Jasmine about kissing Tickle Monster for the first time.
  • “I’m so much more than a guy who hates Lucas” – Blake, aka the Guy Who Hates Lucas.
  • “Damn he’s wet” – Diggy, regarding Blake being the sweatiest human to ever come to Paradise.
  • “Blake’s an attractive guy, I’m just not attracted to him” – Christen. I get it, girl.
  • “When I was in the orphanage, all I wanted was to get picked. Today, I really don’t want to get picked.” – Kristina with the BURN, after being asked by Blake to go on his date. She says no.
  • “Blake was just annoying as f*ck” – Raven, telling it like it is - as usual.
  • Jack Stone hitting Robby in the nether-regions after his crush Christen agrees to go on Blake's date. Poor Robby - wrong place, wrong time. But it WAS hilarious, Robby kinda just looks like a guy you want to punch.
  • The bouncy float toy on the water that Dom and Fred were playing with on their date. That looked AWESOME!
  • “We have two very strange, pasty people – Daniel and Lacey,” Adam, breaking down who the current couples in Paradise are.
  • Ben Z. choosing to go home to be reunited with his dog, Zeus
  • "I took leftovers, persecute me!" - Christen on the fact that her nickname comes from taking scallops to-go from a restaurant once. Come on, who hasn't?!
  • "Will you accept this rose, and hopefully I can tickle your pickle?" – Jasmine being weirdly inappropriate during the rose ceremony.
  • Kristina’s goodbye speech before she leaves Paradise for good. Yes girl, you DO deserve better.

The Most Cringe-Worthy Moments of This Week's Shows

  • “I’m just making the decision my brain is telling me to in that moment” – Dean to Kristina on what part of him is "thinking" when he hooks up with Danielle. Heads up bro, that's not your brain.
  • “That love triangle is going to explode at any moment.” – Raven about the Kristina x Dean x Danielle triangle. Umm, hasn’t it been exploding every single episode of this season we’ve seen so far?
  • “I would never blatantly disrespect you.” – Dean to Kristina, after he blatantly disrespects her by hooking up with Danielle in front of her face.
  • “I don’t understand how I can have the most amazing girl in the entire world right in front of me, but I’m flirting with someone else in the pool.” – Dean to said amazing girl, Kristina. I am SO OVER Dean playing the victim here.
  • “I like Danielle L. and I like Kristina” - New guy Blake, when asked who is is initially interested in. “So do I” - Dean. Face palm.
  • The entire storyline about Jack Stone being a bad kisser, and every girl kissing him to find out. Eww.
  • When poor Christen finds out that her nickname is Scallop Fingers, and Wells tries to convince her it's a good thing. Just stop man, it's mean. Let it go.
  • Close-ups of Christen eating scallops. COME ON.
  • “I hate myself” - Dean playing the victim AGAIN. After essentially sending Kristina home.
  • Dean STILL PLAYING THE VICTIM IN REAL TIME, and posting this Instagram after the episode aired.

Currently Canoodling

  • Derek & Taylor
  • Lacey & Daniel
  • Christen & Jack Stone
  • Tickle Monster & Jasmine
  • Danielle L. & Dean
  • Amanda & Robby
  • Diggy & Dom & Jaimi

Single and Ready to Mingle

TBD. Obviously someone from the Diggy x Dom X Jaimi triangle will get the boot, and then I'm honestly not really sure Jasmine and Tickle are real, or just for TV...

Coming Up

Chris Harrison announces that the cast has ONE MORE DAY on the beach, and then...that's it! Who (if anyone) will propose?! We're thinking Derek (to Taylor) and Robby (to Amanda). What do you think?