in partnership
Two new arrivals bring sex, jealousy and deceit to Paradise (or rather, even more sex, jealousy and deceit) in this action-packed episode. (Image: ABC/Paul Hebert) 

Bachelor in Paradise: Three's a crowd

It's only week 2 of Bachelor in Paradise: Season 4 and everything I thought I knew is already crumbling! Dean's not America's sweetheart? D Lo's laugh is not an immediate NO for everyone in #BachelorNation? Alexis isn't the best part of this show?? Oh wait, that last one is still unequivocally true.

At this point, the only things I can say for certain are...

  1. Taylor and Jim Halpert John Krasiniski Derek are genuinely adorable and I will put a hex on any producers who try and come between that!
  2. Any woman that tries to date Ben Z. should be prepared to play second fiddle... to his dog

I feel like I should preface my weekly reviews with this caveat: I'm a BIP virgin. Yes, shame on me for ever doubting the entertainment factor of this franchise spin-off because OH EM GEE it is already better than every episode of JoJo and Nick's season combined! But enough from me, let's get right on down to the awkward and the awesome that was "This week on Bachelor in Paradise..."

The Absolute Best Moments of This Week's Shows

  1. "Dean is great ... if you're in middle school."Jack Stone is NOT here for any of Dean's childish antics (like literally rolling away from a girl whose family you just met last week when she says "we need to talk.")
  2. "You want this rose bro?" Alexis after Jack Stone showers her with compliments and we think they might be working (!!!)
  3. “Is this symbolic in some way?" Vinny after his epic fight with the seat belt, which just wouldn't let him catch a break.
  4. “Taylor was known as the villain on Nick Viall’s season, who in my opinion might have been the worst bachelor in history.” Alexis narrating Derek and Taylor's cuddling sesh in a Steve Irwin voice, and saying what everyone everywhere already knew
  5. "You did what every guy would do... say yess to the dress." Diggy trying to ease Dean's guilt over saying yes to a date with D Lo
  6. “To be on this one on one date with Rachel... s**t!" Adam vocalizing what he always hoped he'd get to say on the Bachelorette before realizing that he's actually on a date with a different girl!
  7. "Paradise is amazing so far. It’s like a Nicholas sparks book in real life. Plus guacamole comes with everything!" Sarah is just living her best life!
  8. "If there’s one thing you can count on in paradise, it’s the tears." Chris Harrison stating the obvious but we love him nonetheless!
  9. "Your delusions can become reality." Our resident weirdo, Evan, giving hope to weirdo guys everywhere!
  10. "Family, friends and Kanye West." DeMario sharing how he gets by during difficult times

The Most Cringe-Worthy Moments of This Week's Shows

  1. "Can I have a red wine please?" Robby proving once again that his prissiness and the swoop just don't belong in paradise!
  2. Lacey. No explanation needed.
  3. Realizing that the President's speech regarding very important foreign relations was going to interrupt BIP... and being pretty bummed about it.
  4. “I think the girls were willing to recognize I was trying to be vulnerable,” Alex after literally just telling the cameras that he didn't care who gave him a rose as long as he got one and proceeding to use the same weak lines on every girl there, including the girl who was currently the most sought after girl on the island and trying to decide between three men. Sure bro, you call that vulnerable, we'll call it desperate AF!
  5. “Anonymous would probably be pissed…however, anonymous lost his chance.” Robby not even being able to call Amanda's ex-fiancee by his name because they are "good buddies" so discussing kissing his good buddy's former fiancee makes him a little sweaty. Some friend!
  6. Every time D Lo laughed .
  7. Derek eating the sand-covered pizza and then kissing Taylor. Bad Taylor, BAD!
  8. Raven talking about her relationship status with Adam and saying "If another girl shows up it could ruin everything," because now we know for sure there's another girl coming in to ruin it all.
  9. And speak of the devil... Raven tells Sarah she has her full blessing to take Adam on a date. But five minutes later ... “Maybe she should just back off and not take Adam on a date.”
  10. Jorge sharing the story of his own conception story with Diggy and Lacey. No one wants to hear that about anyone bro...

The Most Heartbreaking Moments of This Week's Shows

  1. Kristina: Ugh, I could write a whole post about how Kristina this week is every girl ever, but let's just break it down first...
    a) Kristina apparently went on a road trip with Dean during the filming break and he met her family.
    b) One week later, he wants to "slow things down" and take a step back from their relationship, right before a rose ceremony where she has the power to keep him on the show.
    c) She (perhaps stupidly, but again ALL.OF.US.AT.SOME.POINT) gives him the benefit of the doubt and gives him a rose, and assumes all is forgiven.
    d) Less than 24 hours later he's on a date with another girl, bonding over their annoying laughs and enjoying a "peck" with said girl.
    e) Kristina is once again upset, but we do have to give Dean props for seeming to always want to check in with her and see how she is feeling about where they stand. Plus, he's honest with her about kissing Danielle. Although he did say he missed her all day and he didn't seem like he was missing anything on that date so I'm left saying hmmm
    f) And right after I give Dean any kind of credit... the whole watermelon half birthday cake thing happens, Kristina is reaching her breaking point and I'm permanently in the "We hate Dean fan club."
  2. "Like Michelle Obama said, when they go low you go high…it was hard to go high." I will be the first to admit, I was not the biggest DeMario fan, but watching him shed what seemed like very real tears during his talk with Chris Harrison and hearing how much this BIP scandal affected his entire family, was almost too much to bear.

Currently Canoodling

  • Derek and Taylor
  • Jasmine and Matt
  • Potentially Diggy and Dominique (but given how quickly his tides seem to turn, we reserve judgment on declaring them bae status just yet)

The literal definition of three's a crowd

  • Kristina/Dean/D Lo
  • Raven/Adam/Sarah

Single and Ready to Mingle

  • Jack Stone (we are totally shipping him with Alexis though!)
  • Amanda (girl, bye. you'll have better luck finding non-sweaty dudes outside of "paradise")
  • Robby (boy, bye. FOR. SO.MANY. REASONS, but mainly the swoop)
  • Alexis (see above. also you are my hero and don't you ever forget it)
  • Lacey (whenever you speak I find myself just wanting to say "Oh, honey...)
  • Ben Z (bro, stop talking about your GD dog and start talking about YOURSELF because we are pretty sure you have a LOT to offer!)

Sent themselves home

  • Danielle M -- but not before sharing a delicious kiss with hunky Wells and leaving us all to wonder what their fate will be when she returns from saving the children in Africa

Coming Up

  • Poster couple Taylor and Derek hit trouble in paradise (Dear producers, see my note above... I will cut you!)
  • Christen shows up, makes some comment about paradise not being paradise without a virgin (??) and then immediately tries to come between Jaz and Matt -- Christen guard your neck, girlfriend, because as Jaz says.. "ABC, you want good TV? I'm about to give you good TV!"
  • Corinne shares her side of the #BIPScandal and says she never blamed DeMario