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Bachelor Week 5: Cheers to Emotional Intelligency

Before we go any further and discuss the reasons we are actually here (you know, to dissect and judge the behavior of other women as they all vie for the “heart” of one man on national television), we must share a PSA. It has come to our attention that Corinne Olympios, our resident love to hate her and/or hate to love her girl of the season, was previously in a Juicy J/2 Chainz video in 2011. So do not pass go, do not continue reading this beautifully penned, prize-winning piece of prose and do not question who is or isn’t here for the right reasons until you have watched the video at least 4.5 times. Please and thank you. Now we may proceed to regularly scheduled programming.

The most notable moments of episode 5:

Rose Ceremony. We pick up where we left off last week at our cozy fireside chat with Corinne and Taylor arguing over the definition of emotional intelligence (two words I’ll be fine never hearing again after this episode) and who has more of it. Spoiler alert: neither one of them has any. Basically, Taylor thinks Corinne is stupid and lacking the emotional intelligence it would take to marry Nick. Corinne disagrees. Corinne tells Taylor this using her very verbose vocabulary. A champagne-fueled battle of the words ensues. We came out of this last week surprising ourselves with our feelings of #TeamCorinne, but at the conclusion of the fight this week, we're over both of them. They are both annoying and condescending and inappropriately young for 36-year-old Nick and we wish he would send them both home right now! After Corinne becomes the self-declared winningest winner of all time and lies talks to Nick about her concerns that the women in the house hate Taylor, we head into the barn where all 15 women wait with frozen breath and spaghetti-strap dresses to hear who Nick will prick with his enchanted roses this week (P.S. This whole episode was peppered with Beauty and the Beast sponsored commercials and sneak peeks and OH.MY.GOD we just can't wait for March 17). Danielle L., Kristina and Raven are safe with roses from last week's dates, as Nick hands out roses to Whitney (have we learned anything about her yet??), Danielle M., Jasmine G., Rachel, Jaimi, Josephine, Vanessa, Alexis (yo producers, give the people what they want: more Dolphin/Shark girl please!) and finally Corinne and Taylor. Unfortunately, that meant it was the end of the road for Astrid and one of our favorites, Sarah, who seemed very upset by this turn of events as she left the barn. But let's press on and not cry over yet another girl who is way too good for Nick, because the remaining 13 gals have just been told they are heading to New Orleans (the land of gators, grits and a goooooood time) with Nick! As the wisdomous (oh, did I not mention it’s national made up words week? Well, it is) Nick tells us, “From Bourbon Street to the Bayou, [he] couldn't imagine a better place to fall in love."

One on One. As soon as the girls have landed in the Big Easy they waste no time jumping on beds and squealing with delight at their good fortune. Until Chris Harrison shows up for his allotted five minutes of fame and tells the girls that this week there will be three dates: a one on one, a group date and.... the season's first TWO ON ONE DATE! Wooo! This makes everything instantly better and if you can't already guess who will be on that two on one right now, I am judging you. After Rachel reminds us that she got the first impression rose but has had little to no time with Nick since then and worries aloud that she isn't "sure how long that first impression can last" her worries are canned as we find out she is going on this week's one on one. Ok, guys, we can't believe we are about to say this, but we really don't have anything sarcastic to say about this date! It was ridiculously cute, and it seemed like Rachel and Nick had genuine chemistry. I mean did you not see them on their "super chill" date strolling through the French Market, trying on animal masks, kissing, testing their hot sauce abilities, trying beignets for the first time, kissing, hijacking a Second Line parade, kissing aggressively in the street in front of crowds, showing off their equally impressive dance skills and kissing?? I mean what else could you want from a date?? Well, according to Rachel, nothing, because she admitted it was the best date of her life and gushed that while she doesn't "believe in fairy tales, [she] believes in today and today was a fairy tale." The couple has a romantic private dinner in what appears to be a Mardi Gras float graveyard and discusses how Nick is "super into her" and to what degree Rachel's dad will intimidate Nick, which considering he is a federal judge in Dallas and she calls him daddy, we are guessing the intimidation factor is high. Not shockingly, Rachel gets a rose.

Group Date. Back at the ranch, Josephine, Kristina, Alexis, Raven, Jaimi, Vanessa, Danielle M., Whitney, Jasmine, and Danielle L. learn that they will be going on a group date. P.S. That means Corinne and Taylor will be on the two on one date but more on that v. soon! The date card read "Til death do us part," which stumps the girls until they meet Nick outside a large white mansion and learn that they will be touring one of the most haunted houses in Louisiana. The house's caretaker Boo (because what else would the caretaker of a haunted house be named!) greets the gang with a platter of Mint Juleps and shares a bit of history about the house, most notably that an eight-year-old girl named Mae died in the house from yellow fever, and has been on a neverending quest to find her beloved doll ever since. Our favorite analyst Raven lets us know that she will "rebuke the thing in the name of Jesus." Boo shows the girls the room where Mae died and the glass case where her doll resides, leaving them with an ominous warning of DON'T TOUCH THE DOLL. In the rather boring next few scenes we see the group play Ouija board with Nick and ask questions like "Will Nick get engaged soon" (answer: no) and "Mae, are you here with us now?" (answer: yes), we see a few Paranormal Activity-like shots of various girls touring the house, Jasmine trying on Mae's hat (which is deemed disrespectful to ghosts) and finally we get seem romance as Nick cozies up with Danielle M. for some good old fashioned kissing and forearm tickling -- seriously Nick, what is up with the weird tickling?? You tickled Rachel's collarbone while you listened to music on your one on one date and now you seem to be playing the "itsy bitsy spider" with Danielle's forearm!! But Danielle is rewarded for being nonplused by the weird tickling and receives the group date rose. There are a few crestfallen faces, but Raven, who revealed to Nick that she has already fallen in love with him, was probably hurt the most. Thank goodness, we are done with the most boring date ever, but the best is yet to come!

Two on One. Finally, it's the moment we've been waiting for all episode! The finale of Corinne v. Taylor. Who will emerge from the Bayou as the Swamp Queen and who will be left to swat the mosquitos away from her dagger eyes? The girls share an awkward, silent car ride before they hop into a boat with Nick that takes them through the alligator-filled swamps of the Bayou. The girls give us their pre-recorded motivational speeches, including the "Make America Corinne Again" gem, and when they finally get to their destination, they learn that Nick has arranged for each girl to have a Tarot Card reading to "reveal their truths." Given that the card reader can sense the heavy tension between the threesome, she asks to do each reading in private. Taylor goes first, while Nick and Corinne escape for a little chat. As Taylor is being told that she is the water sign, an emotive and in tune with her feelings person, Corinne is using her alone time to tattle to daddy Nick that Taylor had been bullying her and questioning her emotional intelligence all week. Despite literally being told by the tarot card reader that she would soon be "moving on from a situation that is emotionally toxic," Taylor still seems taken aback when Nick confronts her with Corinne's accusations and calls Corinne a liar, defending herself by saying she never used the word stupid, but then turning right around and telling Nick that Corinne had literally asked her what emotional intelligence was. Aka, Taylor says "Oh my god no I didn't call her stupid Nick, but Nick the girl is stupid!" Meanwhile, Corinne gets her cards read and is told she is one who gets right to the point, but can be harsh, and often gets in trouble over her words. Corinne seems far more interested in how to make a voodoo doll work because of course "whoever he chooses he's going to choose and her "butt doesn't belong in the swamp." The tension-filled threesome reunites as a rose hangs in the balance and after much contemplation, Nick ultimately gives the rose to the woman he feels the most emotional connection with: Corinne. Taylor, to her credit, allows herself to show no emotion and gives Nick a half-hearted side hug before he rides off into the sunset with Corinne (rose and voodoo doll in tow) leaving Taylor alone in the Bayou.

But wait, what's this?? Taylor is not done fighting for her man and decides to return to Nick and Corinne's date so she can "speak her truth." DUN DUN DUN. So now we are left trying not to pee our pants in excitement until next week!

This Week's Awards

Hot Mess of the Week: Ummm while the easy answer would be Taylor and/or Corinne, this award actually needs to go to the Voodoo priestess who decided it was a good idea to give Corinne her own voodoo doll after she asked how to set a voodoo doll on one specific person... I mean aren't there any ethics in the voodoo world??

Our Favorite Human of the Week: Rachel. Hands down, Rachel. She has been one of our favorites from the beginning and seems to be a frontrunner for Nick, too: "Rachel is one of the ones who has been on my mind since the beginning," said Nick. "We just click and it's easy."

Who We Think Will Win: It's a toss-up currently between Vanessa, who we didn't see much of this episode but her vomit date (don't worry, it was much cuter than it sounds) still holds a special place in our hearts, and Rachel, whose one on one date this week literally took away our sarcastic sass abilities for a large chunk of this episode-- that is impressive!

Favorite Made-Up Word: Intelligency. If you didn't see that one coming, I seriously question your emotional intelligence and your ability to handle watching a show about young 20-somethings clawing each other's eyeballs out over a 36-year-old man who is on his fourth televised attempt at finding love.