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Bachelorette Recap Week 2: We have an uninvited guest outside

Well hey there gang! We hope you had a fantastic Memorial Day Weekend filled with the three Bs: Barbecue, beaches and Bachelorette! I truly hope none of you missed this episode, not because it was the.most.dramatic.episode.in.the.history.of.the.franchise (spoiler alert: it wasn't), but because if you didn't tune in, that means you missed out on seeing the cutest two-on-one date attendee ever: COPPER THE DOG! Rachel, girl, we are rooting for you, but you might as well call it off right now, because Copper is all you need!

I'm still in vacation mode right now, so let's just jump right into this thing, shall we?

The Most Notable Moments of Episode 2:

Group Date 1: After the guys talk generically about their first impressions of Rachel and DeMario emphasizes that she smells great (unfortunately, this will not be the most stupid comment out of DeMario's mouth this week), we are treated to our first Chris Harrison appearance of the show! He officially welcomes the guys to the mansion, gives a run down on how the date format works on this show (wait.. is it not normal to go on dates with 7 other dudes every other week??) and leaves us with an ominous "I hope everyone is here for the right reasons..." But it wouldn't be any fun if they were Chris!! They learn that Dean, Jack, Jonathan, Blake, Iggy, Kenny, Fred and Lucas (aka Whaboom) will be on the first group date of the season and Rachel lets them know (for like the 900th time and it's only episode 2) that she's "looking for husband material." Which naturally means that the eight guys will be competing in a series of tasks that an everyday husband would need to be able to perform. And these tasks will be judged by the TV couple we can only assume Rachel aspires to be because Ashton Kutcher and Mila Kunis are #relationshipgoals!

And with that, we're off to the races... the husband races that is! The guys must master dad skills such as diapering and re-dressing a baby, getting a baby into a Babybjörn, vacuuming with said Babybjörn, snaking a drain, fishing a diamond ring out of the sink, setting a dinner table with aplomb (again determined by the KuKus). As the guys are eliminated, they must go sit in the dog house. It comes down to a close race between Whaboom and Kenny, who is the only actual dad in the group. Whaboom eeks out a W, although he literally had to stiff-arm the competition to get across the finish line first, which seems questionable to us! However, Rachel seems to like it, as she chats with Lucas first at the after-party part of the date and tells him she likes the intensity and determination he showed. But it goes downhill from there as we are treated to shot after shot of Rachel looking utterly bored by all the men she is interacting with, and her flat out telling the camera "I feel like so many of these conversations tonight have been so mundane -- there's no spark." But then in walks her blue-eyed savior, Dean. He instantly makes her comfortable and the two seem to form a genuine connection centered on laughter. It's no surprise at all when Dean winds up with the date rose, and after he walks her to the car, he also gets the kiss he felt like he missed out on earlier. According to Rachel, it was "gentle and genuine."

One on One: Our reward for suffering through the first part of the episode (sorry producers but husband material was yawn worthy) was the first one on one date of the season with none other than gap-toothed Peter! Peter is pretty stoked to find out that he's going on the first one on one date, and even more so when he shows up and Rachel tells him they will be flying a private jet to Palm Springs! His excitement dissipates a bit when he learns that his one on one is being crashed by one of Rachel's best friends who recently got in an accident and she hasn't gotten to see him in a while. When Rachel asks if it's ok if this "friend" joins them for the day Peter says "ok, is this an ex boyfriend?" right as COPPER THE DOG (!!) leaps gracefully out of the limo (which is hard to do with only three working legs!) and runs straight into Rachel's arms. Peter looks visibly relieved as he greets Copper, but Copper looks mildly unimpressed. Luckily for Peter, Copper warms right up to him on the plane, and when they arrive at their destination only to discover they are at BarkFest -- a pawty for puppies -- Copper forgets everything else and bounds around with new pals while Rachel and Peter tackle some pretty heavy first date material , like whether Peter would be willing to move for Rachel.

After BarkFest, the duo sits down to a romantic dinner to discuss their similarities: their gap teeth (which we learn run in Peter's family ) and how Rachel thinks hers give her character so she won't be fixing them; the fact that have both seen relationship therapists after brutal breakups; and that they both get asked a lot "how are you still single?" By the end of the date it is clear that Rachel is "a smitten kitten," which is sealed with a kiss during a pretty spectacular fireworks show.

Group Date 2: The second group date of the season is where things gets juicy. Rachel sends the guys a date card that just says swish because in her words "if they don't know what that means, there's a problem." Of course, they are playing basketball because we know Rachel loves sports, but she doesn't play games. And trust me, we see that during this date! Unfortunately for Rachel, she's probably the best ball player on the court during warm-ups, but luckily for the guys, they are about to get schooled by none other than Kareem Abdul-Jabbar! After giving the guys a few tips -- in romance and bball -- Kareem tells the guys it's time to put their skills to the test by playing an actual game in front of a sold-out crowd (read: children of the producers and well-paid extras). The game is fairly uneventful as we see dude after dude fire off shots that he has no business taking, zero teamwork and a rather bored Rachel who says "I don't need a guy who is trying to be the life of the party," in reference to one of the guys working the crowd so hard he doesn't even realize he's lost the ball. After the game, Rachel is approached by a girl named Lexi who at first glance seems like just another fan. She tells Rachel that she was watching her on Nick's "After the Final Rose" and the next thing she knows, she is seeing a guy get out of the limo with an engagement ring, and up until that moment she thought he was her boyfriend of seven months. Yep... take some time and read that back because it took us a while too. Of course Rachel wants to know who would do this, and unfortunately we learn it's DeMario -- a guy who while extremely cocky, seemed like he could have had a good run on the show! Basically, Lexi claims this slimeball dated her for seven months, and then just stopped calling or showing up and a few days later she learns the reason why... he'd rather find love with Rachel on TV -- the key part of that sentence Lexi, and everyone else, is ON TV. Because sorry Lexi but you and your kitties sleeping in the apartment that DeMario may or may not still have keys to (don't forget to check your mailbox today girl!) just can't compete with the lure of fame and TV! To Rachel's credit, she gives DeMario a chance to explain himself and genuinely seems to want to hear his side of this sordid story. But when he fails to even be able to make sense, she sends him packing with an extremely direct, "I'm really going to need you to get the f*@% out." Finally, a Bachelorette who says exactly what she is thinking no matter what, and doesn't second guess herself. We love it Rachel, and we want to see more!

If there is any silver lining to this crummy turn of events for Rachel, it's that the remaining seven guys on the date really turn on the charm that night, and we see their sweet sides in full force! While there are several genuinely awesome convos exchanged, and a few yummy looking kisses, Josiah really stands out from the pack, as he opens up to Rachel and says he couldn't stand to see her hurting like that and will do everything in his power to protect her from future hurt. That definitely earns him some rather loud smooching! Rachel in all her infinite wisdom and remarkable maturity for someone attempting to find live on TV says "I’m seeing how these guys deal with conflict, how I deal with conflict and how we deal with conflict together.”

Cocktail Party, Pre Rose Ceremony: Because there is now some unwritten rule in Bachelor Nation that says all episodes must end on a cliffhanger, instead of using the last 11 minutes of the show to do a rose ceremony, we spend the final few minutes of this episode at the pre ceremony cocktail party, as Rachel tries her hardest to forget the dreaded D word and enjoy the company of the other 22 men vying for her attention. And apparently the best way to do that is to build barbie dream houses, playing thumb war and showing off their chiropractic skills by giving Rachel a massage -- ok we'll admit, that last one is a pretty good way to a gal's heart! But in a twist that is shocking to no one who has seen more than 20 minutes of this franchise ever, Chris Harrison eventually pulls Rachel away from the crowd to explain that she has "an uninvited guest waiting outside." Though she asks who (c'mon girl, you're better than that) we already know it;s DeMario. Chris tells her that DeMario wants a chance to explain himself, and Rachel admits that she is very curious to hear what he has to say. Of course a few eavesdropping men have overheard all of this and dutifully relay it back to the rest of the house, where the men decide they should all "step up and show him out." We end the episode with Rachel being escorted out to DeMario by Chris, followed by a trail of 22 booze-fueled bozos who are all ready to fight for her honor! You just can't write television this good -- oh wait...

Until next week babes!

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