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The show formerly known as The Bachelorette should have been renamed this week, The Lee and Kenny Show. (ABC/Craig Sjodin)

Bachelorette Week 5: Welcome to The Kenny and Lee Show

"This week, a dramatic two-night special!"

Each season Chris Harrison utters these words at least once, and each year Bachelor Nation sighs in dejection. There goes another four hours of of life, we think. Because, of course, not watching just isn't an option. What if we miss something good?

Guess what guys. We didn't.

Monday's episode should have been temporarily re-named "The Lee and Kenny Show". Poor Rachel barely got any screen-time, with all the drama centered around snake-charmer Lee, and wrestler dad Kenny. The once-friends turned enemies quickly when Lee interrupted Kenny's time with Rachel several episodes ago. Since then Lee has been dissing him left and right to Rachel, and then sitting back and watching Kenny blow. Kenny is easily perturbed, but Lee is a master slimy manipulator.

These two gents ruled the roost on Monday night. In fact, we can really quickly sum up everything that didn't involve them:

  • Rachel had a cringe-worthy date with some guy we didn't even know existed, named Jack Stone. Jack seemed just fine, but it was obvious from the first couple second that Rach was not into it. Nevertheless she continued throughout the date, as he feel deeper and deeper in love with her, and she continued to rebuff him. At one point he even going in for the kiss, and she pulls the 'I'm sick" card. Ouch. Side note - has anyone else noticed that Rachel tends to bring a rose along with her and then dump the guy?? I don't know if this is something the producers are having her do, but it's killing me! The poor guys see her pick up the rose, and then look into their eyes as she...dumps them. The same thing happened with poor Jack. They're sitting at dinner, he gives her a couple creepy smiles, she picks up the rose....and sends him home.
  • Later at the rose ceremony Rachel continues her reign of terror and drops Iggy and the Tickle Monster. Good riddance to Iggy - that guy put a whooooole new spin on the term Gossip Queen. If the Mansion was a pot, Iggy was the head chef.
  • The crew all head to Oslo, Norway - where Rachel immediately takes Bryan on a one-on-one. Bryan was the one, you'll remember, who first kissed (that's the PG way of saying what they did) on the first night. The two have some serious chemistry - they basically spend the whole night smiling giddily at each other. Bryan then becomes the first of the season to tell Rachel he is falling in love with her....
  • Group date next! The guys play handball in tight onesies, and get real grabby with Rachel in the meantime. Will is an athletic god among men, and Rachel notices - and gives him the Group Date Rose. Oh also, she and Peter randomly make out in a hot tub...in the middle of the group date? Poor guys in the other room! And, after a triumphant Spelling Bee, I think we'll be seeing the end of Josiah soon. His smooth talking is just too much! It's one liner after one liner - Rachel literally says she thinks he's disingenuous.

And just like that, we're back to Lee and Kenny, who have been chosen to go on a two-on-one with Rachel. They fly onto a remote island, where Kenny and Lee bounce back and forth between Rachel, each telling her evil things about the other, each getting more and more riled up - until it's only a matter of time before someone blows.

And blow they do, on Tuesday night. After a bunch of back and forth that makes neither of them look good, Rachel sends Lee home. Thanks goodness! She still has a lot of doubts about Kenny, which she expresses to him pretty darn bluntly. Later at the Rose Ceremony she sends home Anthony and Josiah (we knew we saw his ending coming soon!). Meanwhile, two guys named Matt and Adam who we've literally seen less than a minute of screen time each - stay. What is happening?!

In another shocking turn of events, Eric gets the first one on one when the crew travels to Denmark, and he is a BRAND NEW MAN. This Eric isn't moody, or over-thinking things, or getting in his own head. This Eric is funny, laughing and smiling, dancing, and generally giddy. We love this Eric! And so does Rachel - the two spend a wonderful day exploring Copenhagen and she gives him a rose.

The group date is weird. But all group dates are weird. In this one Rachel has the men dress up as Vikings and sword-fight each other? Or whatever. That bloody eye on Kenny we've all been seeing in promos? And that the show has lead us to believe came from Lee and a fishfight of some sort? Nope, that was just a jousting accident. Everyone turned out ok, no real harm done.

But let's give poor Kenny another minute here. You'd think the weight of Lee being gone would make this guy soar on cloud 9! But every time we see him Skype his daughter back home, he's in tears. Their relationship is so incredibly sweet, and you can tell he misses the heck out of her and that it's so hard for him to be away from her. Rachel could obviously see this too, and took him aside in the group date to say goodbye. After all the Lee and Kenny drama, it was the most amicable departure we've seen on the show.

And on to the saddest part of the show (for yours truly, anyways). Will was a big frontrunner for me. He's smart, handsome, funny and just seems like a great guy. When Rachel took him on a one-on-one, I truly thought it was going to be amazing! But she didn't feel like he was physical enough with her, and didn't feel any passion from him. When she asked him what kind of person he was in relationship, he said very passionate - which made her think that there was something wrong with her, that he wasn't showing her that side. She asked him about it, and the poor guy looked like a deer caught in headlights. What - this girl is sending me home because I'm not all over her on national television?! We get it Will, but we're sure you'll find your match somewhere else. Good luck!

A quick final rose ceremony is the real stunner here. Let's remember who Rachel has left going into it:

  1. Dean: Babyface, youngest Dean. Rachel helped him through his fear of flying on a one-on-one
  2. Eric: Started off emotionally rocky, but their Copenhagen one-on-one was epic.
  3. Peter: There have been sparks there since Day 1. Peter and Rachel's relationship has been consistently pretty steamy, including a hot tub makeup that was pretty close to soft-core porn.
  4. Alex: A superb dancer (thanks Ellen!), and Rubik's cube solver...this guy was funny.
  5. Bryan: Winner of the First Impression Rose, and has tons of physical chemistry with Rachel. They're basically always making out.
  6. Adam: Who?
  7. Matt: Huh?

Yup, that's right folks. Two of the seven guys going into this rose ceremony we really know nothing about. We don't know if this is producer error...or what. So obviously we thought that one of them would go home right? They have NO storyline and we're more than halfway through the season! But no, Rachel sends Alex and his incredible dance moves home. Le sigh.

So, folks - we don't know really anything about one third of the final six eligible men on then show. A more thorough writer would go back and watch the episodes to tell you exactly how much screen-time each of them has - we're will to BET less than five minutes.

We better start getting some background on these two, ASAP.

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